Jan 01 2003

Intuitive and Me
January, 2003

Time to buy a new version of Quick Money. Mine was two years old and who knows what wonderful goodies are packed in the current one? So, down to Best Buy, get it, and install it. No problems. Of course, you have to immediately update it from Release 1 to Release 3 (current releases are never shipped, it seems). Data conversion—no problem. Let’s open it and see what’s there.

Hmm. Doesn’t look like the old version. I cannot see how to make it show things I thought important. I go through all the menus and options. Nothing helps. I look in the user manual to find out how to contact the manufacturer. For big bucks per minute, there is an 800 number. Nope. Ah, a web site. I log on and follow instructions for FAQs, but cannot get any real answer to my questions. Hidden at the bottom of the screen is a link to an online chat with a service representative, at no charge. The following summarizes my online chat session with Das, the service rep:

Me: In the 2001 version, when I opened the program, it went directly to my checkbook register. Now it goes to a Home Page and then I have to click to get to my register. Can I get around this?
Das: Your Home Page can give you all sorts of information about your checking account.
Me: But the only choices are summaries like the balance in the account, no details. Right?
Das: Yes, we have enhanced the current product with new facilities. (He then leads me through how to customize the Home Page, which I already know.)
Me: There is nothing offered, not a single option I can choose, that I care about. I don’t want a Home Page. I want it to look like the 2001 version did and go directly to my checkbook register.
Das: You are just used to the way 2001 looked. You will soon be used to the 2003 version and all its new facilities. You cannot get around the Home Page. Or our ads for additional paid services that appear about everywhere you look. (Implication: Your data is converted, buddy. You’re sunk.)
Me: Okay. Well, how about the nice vertical bar on the right? In the 2001 version, I had places to click for online updates, my investment portfolio, common reports. Now, I have to go through layers of menus by clicking on icons in the tool bar. Any way to make it look like before?
Das: No. We did not have room due to all the new facilities we have in the new version.
Me: Looks like formatting and spacing to me. No problem with room. You just decided to eliminate an easy way to access stuff that existed before.
Das: When you get used to the 2003 version and see all the new facilities in it, you will forget about the old version.
Me: If you log complaints, here’s mine: It’s harder to do what I want to do. Why eliminate things that worked?
Das: You will like all the new facilities in the 2003 version.
Me: Yes, master. It’s all clear to me now.

Dec 01 2002

Many times you receive an email forwarded from someone else which had been forwarded from others as well. Here are some simple rules on such emails.

1. Make sure never to edit out the email addresses of others along the forwarding trail. It’s nice to allow spammers and other curious people get new email addresses to harass.

2. When you send the forwarded message, put all the varied recipients in the TO box. Don’t hide their names by putting them as BCC. This advice is a corollary to #1 above.

3. Don’t edit out those several-line headers that appear again and again each time the original message was forwarded. This allows manual dexterity from your readers as they have to scroll through them.

4. If there is an attachment that you have no idea where it originally came from or what it could do to a computer, make sure to pass it along. Who knows what mischief you can stir up?

5. If the forwarded message advises you of a possible virus attack, make sure to pass it on without checking to see if it is a hoax. It’s fun to see how long a hoax message can make the rounds and how many thousands of people will be warned about something that does not exist. Heck, I have seen some that survive for years.

6. BE SURE TO WRITE YOUR EMAIL IN ALL CAPS! This is the equivalent of shouting your message and makes it easier on email recipients who may be hard of hearing.

7. If you must email something that anybody in their right mind would know is complete bunk, be sure to tell all recipients how honest and true the email is and that they should immediately forward it to everyone in their address book without an iota of critical analysis (or editing).

8. For goodness sake, whatever you do, make certain to never spell check your email before sending it. After all, Dyslexics are teople poo. Besides, how ar kidz going to lurn ennything if kompooters do all the wurk?

9. Leave in all of those great forwarding marks from all the previous recipients. Example:

|||A guy who used to work for Disney, but who is now a programmer at Microsoft told me that if you open up a pair of Mickey |||Mouse ears, you'll find a tracking chip that sends signals to Orlando, FL and Redmond, WA.
|||
|||I know it's true because somebody I've never heard of sent it to me in an email.

Not only do the forwarding marks look cool, but, like the rings on a tree, you can count how many people have bothered to pass it along. Heck, with all of the email addresses you harvested from the non-BCC header, you could probably write each one of these people and ask them why they didn't remove the forwarding marks either.

10. Don't think before you forward. Don't check anything out. Assume complete validity in all emails you get. "Forward and forget it;" that's the best policy. Do not check the facts at http://www.purportal.com before forwarding. Hey, don't be a spoilsport. If it weren't for Chinese good luck totems and chain letters from the Dalai Lama, some people wouldn't have any religion at all.

Dec 15 2002

So, you are not the sporting type, but would like a trophy. No rifle with a scope? Don’t want to be dressed in camouflage and sit on a board up in a tree holding a loaded weapon? Not up to creeping through the woods with a bow and arrow to get your prey? No worry. Here is a much more fun way to hunt deer.

In the usual form of hunting, you take the trouble to go out and find your quarry. Hey, let the game find you. No need to get up before dawn, wait for sunrise, and stumble over hill and dale. My method is done at night and in the comfort of the family vehicle.

The first thing to note when hunting deer with your car is that you should not worry about areas where signs say “deer crossing.” They don’t show up there. Next, no need to keep a sharp eye out. The deer find you rather than the other way around. If you see deer along the side of the road, they are just testing you. It’s the ones you don’t see that you can bag.

The average deer hunter talks about how many points the buck he shot had. You can talk about the bucks the insurance company paid to repair your car and how many points your premium will go up next year. There’s doe and dough. Instead of having to find a game agent to tag your deer, all you have to do is use a cell phone and call the police who will nicely clean up after you and write up a report you can put in your scrap book.

So, cruise those dark stretches of rural highways and byways. Who knows what surprises await you? You, too, can have stories to tell your children about how you hunted deer.

Nov 02 2002 Yesterday morning, about 6:30, one of my dogs was barking....which meant there was a coyote in the pasture. Sure enough, when I went out to feed about an hour later, I saw one who, when he saw me, sauntered off uphill through the fence. That night, about 11:00, we heard yipping and howling of at least two of the critters right outside our bedroom window. Made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I always put faith in some sign coming from an encounter with animals. Foxes seem to have a particular meaning each time I see one. Well, today the St. Louis Writers Guild posted a Spotlight article about me (see www.hirschwrites.com for the link). Can't figure out the synchonisity yet, but will think about it.

P.S. This all started on Tuesday morning. On Thursday, I looked out our bathroom window. There, all curled in a ball, was our friend the coyote. After a while, he got up, stretched, and was off to do whatever coyotes do in the daytime.